Wednesday 11 August 2010
The Irish: How Not To Annoy Us
As an Irish person living in Ireland in the middle of the summer, I will often meet tourists from America/Australia/Western Europe/The Moon, who are all very tanned, and usually very confused. Because I am a good-ish citizen of Ireland, I have made a guide which you can use to help you understand how annoying you are, and how to avoid this and build more stable international relations, just like in the Triwizard Tournament. Because we get annoyed. That's why we have hurling, so we can work off all that tension. I know. We're barbarians.
1. Don't shout, our noise pollution is bad enough.
I walk into Kilkenny, and along with the other urban noises, we now have to contend with Spanish teenagers shouting in Spanish about how cold it is, how surprisingly warm it is, how bored they are, and lots of other inane stuff. Please, if you absolutely have to say it, be a little more polite and keep your voices down?
2. When I dance in the rain, don't give me funny looks.
When we give funny looks, we do it discreetly, and then complain about the subject over a cup of tea with a friend later. (The dirty look, is of course, another thing altogether...) When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
3. You are probably not Irish.
No one cares if your third cousin four times removed's aunt's grandmother once had a friend who made a 30 second phone call to Ireland once. YOU ARE NOT IRISH. I know how much you would like to be, but deal with it. We can't all be perfect.
4. Tea is ours.
Whoever said tea was English was such a wannabe (but still, can't blame them). People think that at four o'clock in the afternoon we just drop everything to have a cup of tea. We don't. We drink tea all the time. The minimum is six cups a day. Because doctor's bills are so expensive, we just have tea instead. IT IS NOT ENGLISH, IT IS IRISH! (Yes, I know technically it's Indian, but why are you even bothering to point this out to me? It's still ours!)
5. We don't wear green all the time.
Just because it's our colour and everything doesn't mean we wear it all the time. I once saw an American wearing head to toe green exclaiming to his more sane Irish friend 'I'm embracing your natural Irish culture! I'm trying to blend in!' That is not blending in. That is making a fool of yourself... But thanks for making the effort.
On behalf of the Irish people, I beseech all foreign tourists to show a little bit of respect, for God's sake!